Not afraid to show my scars

Not afraid to show my scars

Submitted by anonymous

Here is a wonderful story from an anonymous contributor, this individuals story is powerful and gives us a lot to think about. A lot about love, the savior and endurance.

“Why is it that these acts against virtue are the most hard to overcome and the ones that leave the deepest wounds and the most horrific scars? For the longest time any time I was involved in a conversation having to deal with, the harmful effects of pornography, I would use the common phrase “oh I have a friend who has an addiction and this is what he does and this is what his therapist says about it and this is how he feels…”  I would figuratively hide my scars underneath my clothing… and finally I’m just tired of pretending I don’t know what it’s like personally to be affected with an addiction to pornography. I have been scared to share it and this is step one in sharing my story.

I was first exposed to pornography when I was around 12 years old, and I was highly addicted throughout my teen years, and into college. 12…. Sometimes I weep for that poor 12 year old boy who would spend the next 8-9 years struggling with depression, severely low self esteem, and sexual addiction one after another.  Take a mental trip with me, picture yourself at 12, you were super impressionable, and trying to figure out who you are and then you are exposed to a drug 4 times as potent as crack cocaine, your love for your self isn’t only lowered its shattered, you start basing you relationships off of sexual encounters, you’re so afraid to have friends because you are scared that they will find out your secret, and your parents too.  Girls became… unapproachable, all they became were objects, things without feelings or purity, and my relationship with other guy’s my age were ruined, all I could do was feel envy because they were always more good looking and desirable than I was, both sexes became tainted by the affects of pornography.

When I was 16 I had enough, I went and talked to my church leader,  a wonderful man who helped me understand that , even though I had chosen to view these images , that Christ had prepared a way for me out of that deep , deep dark pit.  And I was clean for about 4 years and then I had the biggest relapse of my life, and I binged I think for 3 days straight … I felt so horrible, I was preparing to serve a mission for my church and wanted to leave as clean as I could, and felt as though I had ruined my chances of doing the thing I wanted most. 

It was there at school where I ultimately turned to God for help, I was reading in my scriptures particularly the Book of Mormon, and I came across this scripture, in Mosiah 4:9 Believe in  God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

I was struggling but this scripture gave me the hope to know that my father in heaven knows my path out, I felt the words of my savior say to me “my son, I love you, and I want you to return to me again, but there are things you need to change, I have established my law and you need to follow it.” 

I did it, I served a mission and it was the most wonderful experience I have ever experienced, but just because I served a mission doesn’t mean that my, addiction went away completely, I still face times of temptation and desire, and afterward I had a few relapses, but I think I learned the most amazing thing, God understands and I am still me! Porn addiction changed my behavior and desires but, you know what? I have changed them back and am still fighting to do so.  It can feel lonely but know this, you are not alone.  You are not weird, you are not picked out of a crowd, and Satan wants you to feel this way god does not. He wants you to feel his love and his son’s power and the process of repentance; it frees your soul from the darkness.

I just want to end by saying, to you the addicted porn user, hold on and stand up, speak up, there is hope at the end of the day, why? God knows you, and I have walked your path, I have felt the desire, the thirst for lust that is more powerful than the need to eat or sleep, but our heavenly father has a more powerful path and plan. But for it to work he needs you to start moving your feet. Take my hand and my experience and let’s stand together.”